This is part of a series featuring my book Crystalline Consciousness: The Next Evolution in Human Energy. The Table of Contents will connect you to all posts in the series.
Chapter Two: My Journey to Crystalline Consciousness
Part Five
Surviving junior high, or junior high surviving me, I moved on to high school. John Holt, the guru of homeschooling felt that what makes people intelligent was to do a wide variety of things that mattered and made a difference in other people’s live, and that challenged their ingenuity, skill and judgment. That would not be my experience.
During high school, with nothing to temper or guide it, my powerful energy self ran wild. If I needed psychic space, my energy would blast people out of the way. My creative energies didn’t have enough focus and positive expression so they became destructive forces in my life. My heart energies were wide open as they are for all teenagers. Without a higher purpose to pour them into, I fancied I was in love with teenage boys who were completely unrealistic for me. Not finding right expression, my heart energy became sullen instead.
When my daughter was in high school, a group of students from her school approached me and said that they were interested in learning about energy. I decided to teach them different methods of meditation. Once a week, we met and explored their inner worlds with guided visualizations, shamanic journeys and breath techniques. Their response was openhearted enthusiasm. From becoming helpful, happy teenagers, to choosing not to use drugs because of experiencing natural highs and altered states, the weekly group flourished at a time when most teenagers only got into trouble.
As a parent, I was personally excited that my daughter, who was also in the group, found a place deep within her that gave her advice about different aspects of her life. The information was never how I would have counseled her to handle certain situations, but it was always good information so I deferred to her own unique wisdom or inner guide. It was her own version of learning to fish rather than being handed one.
Perhaps most compelling of all in the meditation group was the teenager who had become deeply depressed. As a senior she should have been looking forward to finishing high school and starting a new chapter in her life. I knew she was struggling, but I only found out later that she had been contemplating taking her own life. In a shamanic journey, she found herself in a cave with a fire burning bright. Approaching it, her ancestors began to appear to her within the flame. One by one they showed her the difference her absence would make to the world. By the end of the evening she carried her own inner fire as she turned from death and embraced her life.
Making it through 14 years of learning how not to learn, I stepped into my 20s with naive confidence. I had a head full of other people’s knowledge about what I was supposed to do with my life. For a while I chose to follow in the footsteps of my parents and their parents before them. I married at the age of what I call 21-going-on-14. The first half of my 20s I was with a man who mutually loved me, living a creative and self-reliant life with our own business. It was a time of joy and happiness. I was experiencing the first phase of evolution.
Then I began to notice an inner voice that kept saying, “This isn’t it. Something’s missing.” (Note to soul: Next time, provide more information!) In the three phases of evolution, the second phase is chaos, a time of dissolving and disintegrating forms. I was about to enter into that phase, which is also known astrologically as Saturn’s Return.
Saturn, the great planet that represents the soul’s journey in this lifetime, takes 29.5 years to revolve around the sun. The presence of Saturn is felt very strongly between the ages of 27-30, when Saturn returns to the same position it was in when you were born. Acting like an insurance policy if you’ve strayed from your soul’s path (or haven’t found it at all), Saturn will pick you up and after a good shaking, set you down where you should be. People, who are single, suddenly get married. People who are married suddenly get divorced. Careers and communities are switched. For some people, this is even an exit point from their life. With my timing out of alignment and my inner unhappiness, I was headed into the perfect Saturn storm.
If my experience at age 13 was about spiritual growth from the top down, my Saturn Return became a time of personal growth from the inside out. I very quickly demolished almost all outside forms in my life. Kablam…marriage, gone! Business with husband, gone! Relationships with my biological family, gone!
When the dust settled, I was ready for something completely new. Now that inner voice of discontent led me to massage school and for the first time I felt like I was stepping into “my” life, a true homecoming.
At the New Mexico Academy of Healing Arts in Santa Fe I became part of an organization that supported experiential learning that was focused on making a difference in the world, starting with the individual first. I could feel myself expanding in every way as if taking a deep breath after not breathing for too long.
The academy taught massage therapy along with different energy healing modalities. I needed both, but I took to different forms of energy healing like a duck to water. At that time nothing in my life explained my love for energy healing, as it was long before I believed in past lives and karma. I didn’t care why I loved it. Like clearing the rubble after a tornado and finding your most treasured possession was still intact, I got to fully experience the wonderful energy of the third phase in evolution, when all the pieces of your life fit together again in a new way.
After massage school, I felt ready to meet the world. I was once again in the first phase of evolution marked by feelings of happiness and joy. I was living my life purpose that I was passionate about and making a difference in people’s lives. I continued to study many forms of subtle energy modalities and began to use my own unique form of energy reading, although it would take me many years to understand what I was doing.
As the development of my spiritual gifts and abilities grew, I felt ready to step into the world in a bigger way as a teacher of energy healing. I had some initial success but I could feel there was something inside me wanting to be expressed in my teachings and I couldn’t reach it.
Before I could explore that more fully, the world began to crash in on me. The end of the 90s found me in another chaotic, second phase of evolution. From financial crisis, to a home burning down, to almost dying myself from an internal hemorrhage, I went through one powerful crisis after another.
This time I didn’t have Saturn as a GPS system to get me from “here” (chaos) to “there” (peace). I was tired of this process of growth that seemed to first destroy everything I had built. I didn’t think I could do that every decade.
I began studying consciousness and how to transform it. I knew that with greater levels of consciousness came greater levels of abilities to be able to create my life the way I wanted it to be. I didn’t, though, have years to achieve the needed transformation of consciousness as it was traditionally being taught at the time. What I knew and understood was human energy and so I began to evolve my consciousness by working with my energetic self. And I also slowly rebuilt my life.
